boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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