His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
