Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
