I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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