So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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