The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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