kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
