I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
