I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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