It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
