Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
