Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
