I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
