Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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