I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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