I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
