im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My penis needs a shock collar
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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