i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
