I'm really into asian looking animals
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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