Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
