Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
