I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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