Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
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I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
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I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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