I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
