They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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