Im at strip club and am horny
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
