I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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