Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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