Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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