i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
