I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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