im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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