i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
