You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
