I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
