I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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