The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
