Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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