please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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