my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
