fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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