You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
