you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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