I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
