Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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