Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
In other news, I just burned my penis
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
