I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
