Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
