I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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