Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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