I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
are you so shy because you have an std?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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