Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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