I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
