i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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