belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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