So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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