I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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