i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
