jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
